Sunday, December 30, 2007

Chapter Twenty: The End.

“I’m gonna switch things up today,” Mike said. “Gimme an Amaretto Sour.”
“Interesting,” Joe said. “My mom like Amaretto Sours.”
“Hair-pulling and the reverse cowgirl,” Mike said, and we both stared at him. “On the subject of ‘Things Your Mom Like,’” he clarified.

Things were pretty much back to normal. It had been four months since...well, everything. We were sitting in my fully-repaired bar. It looks the same as it used to, but a couple of the smells inherent to a building that’s seen its fair share of guests from all walks of life are missing right now. I didn’t think I’d miss those smells. I didn’t even notice them, in fact, until they were gone, but now it’s all I think about when I’m in here. Sawdust and some kind of lemon-scented furniture polisher: that’s not what my bar’s supposed to smell like.
We’ll be reopening the bar tomorrow but, until then, we’re taking the opportunity of an empty bar to sit and drink. A lot of people are excited about the reopening, which is great. Hopefully, we can take care of the awful smell of a new, untouched bar and give this place some character again.
I looked over my friends. To be honest, very little has changed for us, except our uniforms. Joe wears a suit a lot more often now that he’s back to practicing law. He specializes in Immigration Law, fighting for people who came into the country illegally to stay here. A kid’s family is murdered, they run to America, and Joe fights like hell to keep them here. It’s noble, but it’s also exhausting. He doesn’t like talking about it. Every once and a while, he still drives his ice cream truck. He looks great in a suit.
Mike is a mail man now, I guess. He certainly has a legitimate postal worker’s uniform, and I often see him carrying a bag full of mail, but I’ve never actually seen him deliver any. If he truly is a mail man, he is an awful, awful one who never should have been hired in the first place. He will, presumably, keep cashing the government’s checks until he is inevitably fired.
I’m fine. My chest hurts every once and a while, but the doctors say that’s natural and will most likely never stop. I spent a month recovering and the remaining time bartending with Dave while my bar was under construction. It was nice, working with both of my brothers, and for the brief four months while my bar was nonexistent, Dave officially had the #1 spot. I will never stop reminding him of this.

With the Emperor of Spain’s (okay, excessive) execution, the International Mafia underwent a total redesign. A whole lot of smaller factions emerged under leaders that had studied and worked directly with the Emperor or Rebecca. The massive destruction made headlines all over the country and sent the message that the Emperor’s brute force negotiation tactics are a thing of the past. These New Mafias are more businesses than gangs. I don’t really give a shit. They’re staying away from me and my bar, and that’s what’s important.

Joe was reading a Time magazine that Mike should have delivered a few days ago, and Mike was going through his bag looking for checks. We don’t talk about Rebecca or the Emperor too much these days. For one thing, we’re a little busy, what with law firms and mail-tampering and all. For another, this whole situation, with a little bit of time, just becomes another strange thing that’s happened to us. “Remember that Emperor guy,” we might say in a year or two. “He was fuckin’ weird.” Sure, I have the scar from the Emperor’s bullet to remind me, but I have lots of scars, each with their own story. If I dwell too long on any one scar, I might miss somethings that are happening in real time.
“Hey, if I was having sex with a chick that was a quarter black, but we were interrupted midway through, can I still technically say I nailed a black chick,” Mike asked. Mike directed his question to Joe, which just proves that Mike doesn't actually have a clue what a lawyer is responsible for knowing.
“No,” Joe answered. “The non-black percentage needs to be inversely related to the amount of times you have sex. So, one-fourth-black chick....you’d need to have sex with her three full times before you can say you nailed a black chick.”
“Dammit,” Mike said.

These are the things I would miss.

62 comments:

Full said...

Thanks for the story, I enjoyed it alot. I hope you continue writing in the future.

Jason said...

Great story. I enjoyed each segment of it, and I hope to read more of your writings where ever your future takes you. Thanks for provding a hilariously entertaining read, and good luck with everything else you have on your plate.

William said...

Awesome job. I laughed pretty hard from start to finish, thanks a lot!

Jon said...

Who were you on on pwot/cracked again?

Jon

Jon said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
dob said...

"daniel."

I like to keep things pretty simple.

Jon said...

I have comments - how about an email address? I use blackwargreymon at hotmail.co.uk to receive ads telling me about my inferior penis, you could contact me there.

Jon said...

Did you get my email? It didn't get junked for being from hotmail did it?

Samuel said...

Fantastic stuff, Dan. I enjoy your blogging on Cracked.com, and I'm delighted that the after-post pimping brought me here. Anything else like this in the works?



I can be reached on the Cracked/PWoT forums, user name StoatLad, if you are inclined to speak to me.

Notebook said...

Hello. This post is likeable, and your blog is very interesting, congratulations :-). I will add in my blogroll =). If possible gives a last there on my blog, it is about the Notebook, I hope you enjoy. The address is http://notebooks-brasil.blogspot.com. A hug.

joe.conneely said...

I have to say that is probably the funniest think I have ever read, truly brilliant.
I would love to read more.
Good work, I also love your Cracked.com stuff too.

Hannah Montana's a bitch.

joe.conneely said...

funniest thing*

DaveDrevello said...

Daniel, that was easily the funniest and greatet thing I have ever read. You, O talented wordsmith, rule!

Fonk said...

This was unbelievably entertaining. Thank you so much, and I hope you keep up the great writing.

Geek said...

i cant believe i read that whole thing today at work. i bet my boss would be pissed.....

Greg said...

I wasn't aware of what I was getting into when I started with the first chapter, but I'm glad I ran into this. I'm recommending it to everyone I know.

Toe said...

Yeah, I have to leave a response too. Thanks for writing this; I enjoyed it quite a bit. So many of the dick jokes are absolutely priceless.

saavik8 said...

great story , you have a really funny writing style, I always enjoy your cracked blogging too. keep up the fantastic work

Hott Rebel said...

Hey, thanks for writing that. It was a lot of fun to read. Your humor is scintillating.

JtHM said...

so, hey, i love you.

just putting that out there.

this is officially on my top five books list.

i guess until the next one comes out *insert nudge nudge here*, i'll have to entertain myself with the Archbishop of Hip-Hop's Cracked posts?

Jason said...

very, very entertaining. thanks for giving a lot of hard work away for free.

having said that i think you could maybe do a little polishing. i occasionally had a hard time following the story because i couldn't figure out who was talking, what had happened, etc.

i'm really just talking about formatting, i don't want to sound like some critical ass. or a non-critical ass. (which sounds like an unimportant ass, which i find funny because to me, all ass is critical.)

again, great read.

p.s. do all cracked writers have awesome, hysterical novels floating around on the web? i've read yours and david wong's 'john dies at the end'. i loved both and would like to read more.

thanks again,

dob said...

Thanks for the notes, Jason! I've been meaning to edit the hell out of this bastard, but it's been hard for me to get back into it since its completion. One of these days...

Anyhow, I've got this and Wong's got his far FAR superior JDATE, (and it's sequel), but that's as far as the Cracked-related free online books go. The rest of the bloggers, (save Ross I think), have their own websites, but that's as far as it goes.

Priestess said...

that was awesome :)

Priestess said...

that was awesome :)

Jon said...

David Wong just released his Monkeysphere. The cracked intro to it was pretty funny, I don't know how funny the book is supposed to be though.

But yeah, over the past few days, I've read your book.

The first chapter definitely gave me a joyboner, and the ending made it explode with joyjuice all over the internet's face. Then the internet dipped her finger in a big blob on her chin, and swallowed it with a smile!

And I was like "Whoa, I gotta give DOB money for that money shot!!"

So I want a hardcopy of this, hopefully in book form. And a sequel. And a cigarette, because I'm still tired from that shot.

In closing, I want to give some more facials, and they better be good. I'm more than happy to give you outrageous sums of money for them.

Good shit DOB, good shit.

garrett said...

In addition to the respective works of Daniel O'Brien and David Wong, Michael Swaim has written a lengthy and utterly hilarious theatrical script called "Olympus, Inc." It is not available online as far as I know, but I have a digital copy that I'll send to anyone interested. I doubt Swaim would mind, attetion whore that he is.

Danjer047 said...

DOB, that was a life-altering story. I like how the whole thing started off really funny and mysterious and was able to keep its humor all the way through but when it needed to be, it was pretty serious!!! I could visualize the action scenes pretty easily. Like I've said before, you should publish this things. Or, you could print it out, Xerox a copy, and send it to me!!! Autographed please!!!

Tumm said...

THAT WAS SO EXCELLENT! You should seriously get this up on shelves. I've never read a book this well done.

the cunning linguist said...

Highly entertaining and endlessly amusing. The realism of the spiders, the gun-shot wound, and the thought of being "cock-deep in shit sandwiches"... Jesus. I loved your characters and the way they interact the most. Get published, make millions.

QuesterX said...

I want to thank you Dob for a fantastic 2 weeks of lunch times. I purposely dragged it out because i really didn't want it to finish.

Thanks very much.

Mikel said...

This was excellent. Thank you.

Laramie said...

Strong, strong work DOB. I'm almost glad I stumbled across this late so I was able to read it front to back.

R4W13Y said...

Nooo! It's over!!

I read all of your stuff (here and at Cracked) within a mere couple of days, that's how amazing and addictive and hilarious it is.

Many kudos and thanks to you!!

Matt said...

If you're doing this sort of stuff at your age, you should be quite capable of making good money by writing whatever you want for the rest of your life. I can definitely say, and I'm sure I'm not alone, that I would pay to enjoy your work.

Vainy said...

This is bloody awesome.

Read it in one day ;) Very addictive. I vote for publishing.

Keep up the great work Dan. I love your cracked articles as well.

Murphy said...

Thanks a lot, DOB. I really dug the story. It actually inspired me to put my own fiction up online.

So, (in a shameful attempt to hawk my ideas to strangers) go to http://flescherfiction.blogspot.com to read about the greatest adventure hero of the 19th century.

Moey Fresh said...

Fucking hilarious bro (Its ok, I'm Mexican). Hope you get a new novel online soon, don't hear nearly enough of you on Cracked.

Something witty and clever goes here said...

This is awesome. I was expecting it to be like your cracked articles, but it had a whole storyline and stuff.
I imagined Hank as Bruce Willis, is that all right?

Thank you very much for this story.

I want some fucking home-made wolverine calws.

Something witty and clever goes here said...

This is awesome. I was expecting it to be like your cracked articles, but it had a whole storyline and stuff.
I imagined Hank as Bruce Willis, is that all right?

Thank you very much for this story.

I want some fucking home-made wolverine calws.

Something witty and clever goes here said...

Shit I double commented. Now I look like a fuckwit, that's great.

Magnus Steinsholt said...

I really loved every chapter and every dick joke. I'm so glad i stumbled across it looking through your posts at cracked

iamded said...

So I'm nearly 2 years late, but I still thoroughly enjoyed every word of this. Absolutely fucking brilliant. This should be sitting next to Wong's "John Dies at the End" and Brockway's "Everything Is Going to Kill Everybody".

Anthony said...

This was an absolutely amazing story! You would think a book with so much comedy at its center would sacrifice character development or plot, but the blend that you've created is seamless and captivating - an excellent story that was thoroughly enjoyable to read, and characters that make you care what happens. I sincerely hope you write another story like this one, but your Cracked articles will definitely provide plenty of entertainment in the meantime, like always!

Thanks for the great read, DOB!

Nadeem said...

DOB - that was truly awesome! ive been following you on cracked for awhile (love the shit out of your work there) and just recently found this. Great stuff! you are an amazing writer!! //cheers

MovieFreek137 said...

Thank you for writing such a wonderful story. I loved how likable your characters are. The way they all play off each other... nothing short of fantasmical. I loved it. It would be so cool if Hank and the rest of the guys were continuing characters. Anyways, you rock. I also love your work at cracked. Someday I'm going to get your autograph. Thank you.

matt said...

Daniel, I've had this thing saved in my favourites for about a year and just finally got round to reading it. Thank you. This was as awesome as it was hilarious. I've literally been sat at work in a pool of my own shit and piss from laughing so hard. Now I owe my company a new chair.

& said...

I just finished this story (found it under a post you made on Cracked).

This is one of the funniest things I have ever read. I really, really enjoyed it.

I think you should print it out, staple it together, and try selling it on Amazon, I'd definitely buy it!

Matthew said...

Hello Daniel? Dan? DOB?

Anyway, I don't think that I have commented on here yet, and I just wanted to say what an amazing story this truly was. You managed to balance just the right amount of action with humor, and I have read and re-read it several times because of that. I don't know how often you check the comments on here now, but even though I came in a little late, I just wanted to say GREAT WORK! You are one of my Comedy-heroes, (I have separate "Hero" categories), so it would be awesome if you would even say, "Thanks Matthew", but either way, keep up the great work. Thanks!

Brandon said...

I know this was kind of from a while ago at this point, but I just wanted to let you know that this is quite possibly the funniest thing I've ever read. I found this through the Facebook detective article and think you should TOTALLY write more noir.

Koddy said...

This story is so breath-taking!
I just wonder is any of those characters have ever used to Buy Viagra in order to treat erectile dysfunction issues.

Nicholas said...

Awesome, Awesome Awesome. Even better than a hot dog.


(To explain the hot dog awesome bit)
http://www.google.co.za/#hl=en&biw=1440&bih=691&q=eddie+izzard+quotes+hot+dog+awesome&aq=f&aqi=&aql=&oq=&gs_rfai=&fp=bbfaa1b075703fd0

frapcha said...

I loved the SHIT out of this story!

wayward foe said...

That was an amazing story thanks for stealing a couple hours of my time.

Andrew said...

I don't think I have ever been more continuously entertained since, well, ever. Even though you probably haven't been to this site in years, I still feel like commenting, because this was some seriously funny shit.

El Rag said...

This was simply amazing. I read it all in a couple of hours and I loved it.

Emjeah said...

Daniel I loved it it was amazing you are amazing I love you in a totally non creepy way. BUT seriously you should do this gain sometime congrats on the story it is something I would definently buy.

Isabelle George said...

Just finished reading this for the second time.
Also, I love you.
And not in a "non-creepy way". In a very creepy way. I would almost definitely be watching you right now if not for being 1,960 miles away. Plus I have to go to bed early so I can catch a flight tomorrow for my grandma's funeral.
But seriously. I will stalk the shit out of you once I have the time.
Also I want to carry your child. I will train it with ninja stars and pure hatred, and it will be awesome.
You are my hero.

Isabelle George said...

P.S. Once I'm back home, I will only be two states away.


I don't have a follow up comment to that.

Devon Edwards said...

DOB, you posted a link to this on your Tumblr a few days ago, and I've been unable to look away. This is an incredible piece of literature from one of the funniest writers around. When you publish this, I'll be glad to pay money for it. Thanks for giving it to me for free, this time around.

ZZ SSSS said...

This was amazing. I read this whole thng in one shot instead of watching videos.

CED said...

The book was great! I am truly impressed!! I want more fiction from you. I just can believe how awesome of a writer you are! I am truly blown away!! Im sure you wont read my comments because I am so late so hopefully the world will take my praise for your book out there to you!!! Hilarious!

deborah said...

This was an amazing story. I loved it. I read the first couple of chapters in class and couldn't anymore because I couldn't hold in the laughs. I have never read a story that can be funny, intense, and disturbing all at the same time and in perfect unison. Please, please write something else.